Nov 4, 2012

Top 5 - The worst horror movies of the last 10 years

So finally I decided to make my top 5 worst horror movies of the last 10 years. I decided to shorten the list by considering only movies made in the last 10 years because otherwise it would be way to incomplete. Well, it will always be incomplete because obviously I haven't seen every horror movie ever made (not even in the past 10 years) but you get the point! :D Further in the future I might make another list as an update, if I ever come across movies worst than these (jeez, that'll be a challenge). Or , if you really dislike me, you can recommend me some! :D

Alright, let's start the countdown!

 5 - The Wicker Man (2006)

 A sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island and discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community.

This is probably the most obvious choice ever for a terrible horror movie. But I had to pick it.
 Pretty much everyone as seen this before or at least heard about it. It's pretty "mainstream" compared to my other choices, and I remember when it came out back in 2006, I saw the poster on theatres, but it never really appealed to me to go watch it. It has Nicholas Cage in it, so you automatically know it's gonna be bad, you just don't know how much.  
This had a pretty good budget, so it has less excuses to suck this much. Obviously the money doesn't improve on acting or directing skills, but it can certainly help in other departments. 

The Wicker Man was directed by Neil LaBute, and this was his first and only attempt at horror, he's reportoire is actually mostly made of comedies - and that's exactly what he did here: Pure comedy gold. 
There are too many things wrong with this film, but if I had to pick the worst, it would probably be the UNBELIEVABLY bad acting by Nicholas Cage, the character he plays is so fake and truely.. unbelivable and unrealistic, you feel no emotion towards him cause you never get to actually "see" the character, since you're too damn distracted by Cage making a fool of himself. 
Although, I have to admit, this movie is kinda of a guilty pleasure of mine, I've probably seen it at least 3/4 times, and if it happens to be on tv, I just can't stop watching it! It's so bad that it's... almost good. First time I watched it I laughed so hard, tears rolled down my cheeks. And I still laugh every time I see it. It's an awesome movie to be seen with friends - better than any comedy, I assure you. It has so many memorable bad moments, you'll be quoting this movie for the rest of your life. Who can forget about the bees? Oh, NOT the bees! :D

4 - Summer's Blood (2009)


A family of serial killers stalk a young woman out to find the father she's never known.

First of all, is that the funniest trailer you've seen in a while or what? That narrator is priceless x)

From all my picks, this movie has the highest score on IMDB with a rate of 4.4, which believe me,it's a really HIGH score. So I came to the sad conclusion that this high rating is due to the lead actress Ashley Greene - "Because she is a good actress?" - you might ask - nah, far from that. Because she starred in Twilight, that's why. And the only people you see getting excited about this movie are Twihards. Which, honestly, I really can't understand, because her "acting" is painful, to say the least, but hey, who can understand Twihards anyway?

So, this movie was the biggest waste of time from all the bad horror movies I've seen, just because you really don't even have to watch, the story is all summed up in the synopsis "A family of serial killers stalk a young woman out to find the father she's never known." - If you think about it for 2 seconds I think you can figure out the ending ""twist"", so the smallest synopsis ever, managed to spoil the movie... that takes skills! - not that it would be even remotely good without the spoiler. Because if you couldn't figure out the ending by the synposis, you will in the first 5 minutes of the movie.

Needless to say: predictable, predictable, predictable. Has one of the funniest death scenes I ever seen in a movie. No character development, I couldn't care less about any of the characters, I'm just hoping they all die quickly so the torture of watching this doesn't take any longer. And one of the stupidest, pointless finales. 

3 - House of the Dead (2003)

 A group of teens arrive on an island for a rave--only to discover the island has been taken over by zombies. The group takes refuge in a house where they try to survive the night.

Number 3, my choices for the top 3 are preeetty close together.
Of course at least one of Uwe Boll movies had to be on top 5! I'm picking only one, the worst IMO, otherwise this would be a list made out of this man's filmography. You don't know who Boll is? I'm not sure if I'm happy for you or you just missing out the fun. Uwe Boll's one of the worst directors of our time, and the bastard just doesn't give up. People are comparing him to Ed Wood, but Wood actually built a pretty solid group of fans over the time, he became a cult (although probably not because of his movies, but for being an inspiration as a man for some). I surely hope that doesn't happen do Boll.
Many of his movies are interpretations of videogames, such as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, Postal, etc, so not only are the movies bad by themselves, they also spite the rage of many fans of the original stories.
House of the Dead begins like any other slasher movie - young people go to certain place, young people get killed- but is horribly written, horribly acted, horribly directed, horribly produced, has horrible special effects/make-up (I swear my Halloween zombie make-up is 1000x better) takes itself way to serious considering the laughable plot and it's incredibly BORING. My brain just turned off half way and I've seen the rest of the movie completly braindead hoping it would end soon. At least you can still have some laughs and enjoy the best dialogues you could ever hope for:

"You did it to become immortal...why?"
"To live forever."

2 - Jack O'Lantern (2004)

 A violent spirit that manifests itself in the form of a Jack O'Lantern avenges people who have been wronged. 

We're almost at the top! Number 2 is Jack O'Latern. 
I don't even know where to begin with this one, cause I'm not even sure if I can call this piece of crap a "movie", it just seems like a school project ( a very bad one), it has AMATEUR written all over it. The acting is just non-existent, the plot was pretty obvious, you can figure out the ending in the first 10 minute. It's really useless to enumerate everything that went wrong in this, because everything did. It just makes your eyes hurt for 94 long minutes. The only reason this is not number 1, it's because it's pretty forgettable. When I watched it, 30 min later I had pretty much forgotten that this movie even existed, and I barely remember any details of the plot now, since it was so trivial.
The only question in my mind is: Why would someone want to publish something like this?! It´s so ridiculously amateur,  I can't really think of another word to describe it. And it's not like I've downloaded this from an undergound B-horror site or something, I actually rent it!

1 - Rottweiller (2004)

Dante travels across a desolate, futuristic Spain in search of his girlfriend, Ula. He is pursued by a bloodthirsty, cybernetic Rottweiler.

Whoo-hoo, We got to number one! Rottweiller - What a gem. This is everything an horror movie shouldn't be. First of all, something that always makes me frown : making animals the "bad guy" - Oh noes, let's all fear rottweillers, because they are evil dogs! :<;  Unless you're expecting a cliché ending such as - "but wait, after all, the real beasts are not animals.. but Humans!" *tun tun TUN* - But nah, you're not having non of that here, who cares about a moral ending anyway? Screw your morals, we got a cybernetic killer dog right here!
So, what I learned from this movie, is that the background story doesn't really matter, since I'm having an hard time believing that someone would think that the plot was actually somewhat decent, what matters is that we have a killer dog that looks suspiciously like the Terminator - with terrible CGI.
They tried to give all the focus they could to Rotty, but the dog doens't even have a reason to exhist! Where the heck did this cybernetic dog came from?! And why and how? Because this is futuristic Spain that's why, it should explain everything!
Basically, the movie is a chase, Dante (the main character), is chasing after Ula (his loved one), and Rotty is chasing Dante, because Dante is an escaped prisioner. Rotty had numerous chances to kill Dante, but this is not your ordinary dog, he's TRUE evil, he's not only a killer, he's also a racist and misogynist. He could have killed Dante, which was his primary goal, and would have ended the movie right there and saved us all the trouble, sure - but not when there are still black people and women on the screen! Which fortunately for our main character, where showing up all the time, so they kept little Rotty busy.
I have to say my heart broke a little when I recognized Ivana Baquero when the movie was halfway, she played Ofelia in Pan's Labyrinth, I loved her acting, and thought she was a very talented young actress, who would have thought that 2 years before she was doing such crappy movies? What a waste of talent.
In conclusion, this deserves number one because it's not only bad, it's so bad it's hard to forget, it will HAUNT you! The acting, the nonsense plot, the CGI, the ending - all too bad to be true.
For a grand closure I will leave you with the best acting of the entire movie, done by: Chicken

And that's it! That was a loooooooong post, and still I tried to keep my comments short, but hope you enjoyed it ^^
Don't forget this is only my personal opinion based on the movies I've seen, you're entitled to have a different one, etc, etc, etc.   

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